I had this particular positive affirmation appear in my facebook timeline twice this morning. Two different memes, and I’m no dummy. It must be a sign right??
In fact, I love this life approach. I love rain and dancing in it, literally and metaphorically. This morning however, I did not feel the moral boost I expected and even desired. I felt acutely that emotional ache that seems to seep from the soul into the limbs overtake me. And I wept. Then I went back to bed and slept….maybe I’m just tired?? Nope, it’s still here.
“Don’t blog about it.” My very private nature said. “Write a Random Act of Fiction about that feeling.” But when I started typing, I didn’t want some watered down story. I wanted to scream and throw things and set stuff on fire in the front yard. Rally the troops for lye and shovel duty. (My nearest and dearest will know now which storm I’m in and hope new readers will forgive me the vagueness. Not quite ready to throw the laundry on the porch yet.)
I’m tired of trying to dance. I’m bone weary of what seems to be a constant pour. Others are dealing with hurricanes. I shouldn’t be so bitchy??? is that the right word? No one is sick or dying. No one is in financial distress. Sure we desperately need REAL rain on the parched land, but even that is going to be ok. But I NEED shelter…hell an umbrella would be nice. The worst part, no one notices. No one seems to see the distress. I should take this act to Hollywood. My arms ACHE. My chest and throat are squeezed tight. My eyes burn, and in the mirror…..perfectly normal. Shouldn’t there be a big cartoon sign pointing at my head flashing “SOMEBODY HUG HER”. “THIS CHICK IS NOT ALRIGHT”. Must I scream and burn and roll on the floor with a trickle of blood coming from the corner of my mouth? How is everyone, including “Bill Starbuck” and company, going about their lives as if nothing is happening? And WHY am I allowing that?
In writing this, I do feel better. Despite the lack of explicit details, it’s cathartic….and I’m wondering. How many times do I miss the signs of distress because they aren’t in pretty google images on my social media feed? How many people do I meet every week hiding the same achy arms and burning eyes? The teacher, or store clerk, or student, or friend as desperate for an umbrella and dancing partner as I am today? How many are standing in storms I cannot fathom and dancing?
Thank you for reading and unknowingly dancing with me today.
C C Cedras
K R Brorman
S A Young
7 Comments
April 23, 2014 at 5:08 pm
Hugging you from afar. I wish the transporter beam worked quickly and this could be in person. It’s a good reminder that we often miss the signs that someone else is hurting. Love and hugs to you.
April 23, 2014 at 10:50 pm
Thanks Jill. Do you realize you’ve been a dance partner for almost EIGHT years? THAT is worth putting on boogie shoes for.
April 28, 2014 at 1:43 pm
Wow. Time flies. My life has gone through a few evolutions in that time, as everyone’s does. Some parts you can look at and smile and others you have the head slap moment of “what in the blankety blank was I thinking?” Know that, regardless of the distance, you have many a dance partner around this great country of ours that will drop what we’re doing and come a’runnin’. No makeup or fancy shoes required. (But you do have some pretty kick-ass shoes.) Love ya, girlie.
April 23, 2014 at 5:18 pm
We are both dancing, darling. Maybe not to the same music, but together.
April 23, 2014 at 7:29 pm
Before I read this, on my way home from the subway station, in the rain I might add, I noticed a very tall, thin man, probably in his early 20s, walking toward me from the opposite direction. I noticed him because he was wearing a VT hoodie. Right before he passed me, he stopped in his tracks, got up on his toes, put his arms out and did a pirouette. Then he continued on his way. I thought 1. “okay, you don’t see that every day” 2. “it’s got to be a sign. Not sure of what, but it’s got to be a sign”. After reading this post and thinking about you both, I know it was (although I’m still not sure of exactly what…other than WE need to dance in the rain together).
April 28, 2014 at 1:44 pm
I like his style.
April 23, 2014 at 5:27 pm
Some may be waiting for you to hold out your hand and invite them to to your dance.