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Anniversary, C. C. Cedras author, death, family, Grief, life, love, Memories, romance, Spring, Weddings
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Spring is springing and with it comes a flood of endorphins as I remember one of the most blissful times of my life. The days leading up to my wedding. Days when all the possibilities of love and its impact on the future seemed limitless.
I love Spring. It was the perfect season in which to celebrate this event that I had long before decided was not going to happen for me. And then it did, and, oh, it transformed my life.
For the past two years, four months and nine days I have done my level best not to work through my grief in public. I miss my Darling Husband every day, every minute, but I haven’t felt that my experience was what I wanted to write about often or even share.
A lot of people more eloquent than I write blogs that deal with their own and the more universal aspects of grief that a wider readership can relate to. They manage to be personal, but at the same time connect with the vastness of this most human struggle. I admire them, but can’t be one of them. Everyone’s experience is different, but there are many common elements – I’ve just been too consumed to look for them and have lacked the motivation to capture them and present them for public consumption.
People tell you, sincerely, when you lose a loved one that they hope the happy memories will sustain you through the sad times. You know what’s odd? They do in some ways, and in other ways they heighten the sadness and loneliness. Maybe that’s because you know that those happy times are gone forever, never to be repeated. That the person who made those happy memories with you is lost and that the future you face alone seems like an endless void.
See? This pitifulness is what I have tried to spare our blog’s readers from. I’ll stop.
Happy memories abound for me this week. Twenty-two years ago, we were looking forward to our wedding on Saturday, April 2. This time of year is glorious in north Texas – mild weather, everything is blooming. The sun shone all that week as we cruised into the weekend. All the planning was done. All that remained was to experience it and soak it all in. Family and friends gathered for days of parties and reuniting with loved ones they hadn’t seen in years. I drifted through the days and nights like I was in a lovely haze, alone with my joy. Enjoying watching all around me celebrating.
This was my first and last wedding. I had some nerves, but they were happy ones, excited ones. My Darling Husband, so very handsome, was the picture of calm coolness, smiling that fabulous smile nonstop.
I look back at the photos of that week and all that excitement, all the pleasure and optimism floods my spirit. Tears just water the memories and keep them blooming.
15 Comments
March 30, 2016 at 11:36 am
You’re right in that everyone’s experiences are different, processed differently and leave different lasting marks, but don’t ever think you don’t express your thoughts and feelings eloquently, whenever, and however, you choose to share them. They never fail to move me.
March 30, 2016 at 12:17 pm
Thank you, Sheri. 😚💗
March 30, 2016 at 12:37 pm
Hugs! Dealing with loss is a very personal and very individual process. You are doing what you recognize is best for you in this moment. And this is as it should be. There is no one-size-fits-all way to deal with grief. Just know that you are surrounded by people you love you and will be there to do whatever you need them to do whenever you need them. Love the description of Texas in the spring, by the way. Again…hugs to you!
March 30, 2016 at 1:26 pm
Mary, you are so dear. One of the hardest things for me, as my grief counselor has pointed out many times, is reaching out for help and support when I need it. I’m hard wired, I’m afraid, to play it close to the vest. But, I never forget how blessed I am with loving friends.
March 30, 2016 at 2:50 pm
It’s hard for a lot of women to ask for support…part of being raised to be “strong, Southern women”, in my humble opinion. Luckily, that same upbringing usually fosters the “we’re all in this together” mentality that draws us together when one of us is in need! Just remember we’re here, as you’d be there for us should we be the one in need.
March 30, 2016 at 3:11 pm
From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
March 30, 2016 at 2:04 pm
Words from deep in the heart are difficult to share but you did a beautiful job, my dear daughter. Love from Mom & Norm
March 30, 2016 at 2:05 pm
Love you back 💕
March 30, 2016 at 8:01 pm
Simply beautiful. I love imagining being a part of that wedding celebration.
I’m sure I would have been invited….This post makes it impossible not to want to be there.
Love,
Hakuin
March 30, 2016 at 9:06 pm
Of course of course! It truly was beautiful. I get chills remembering. 💕💕💕
April 1, 2016 at 4:59 pm
Connie, Never underestimate your eloquence and talent at capturing such beautiful thoughts and feelings. I think of you every day. Hugs and love, Linda
April 1, 2016 at 9:09 pm
Thank you, Linda my darling. I miss you! 💕
April 1, 2016 at 9:04 pm
I read this and know that it was the day that every bride dreams of more blessed are those who look back on their wedding day many years later and still feel that bliss. Sending a hug your way.
April 1, 2016 at 9:08 pm
As I know YOU know the remembered happiness, dear Sally. Thank you for reading and for the kind words. ❤️