Stilettos, Stoli & Scribbles ~ Served With A Twist

via appzone.com

Happy Monday all! And how was your weekend?

I spent part of mine with a demon.

You see, a friend asked me if I would do him a solid and mind his cat for him this weekend. Now, since it was Thursday evening when this request was made and he was leaving the following morning, my first reaction was to narrow my eyes and ask if he’d tried to find someone else to provide this service or he’d just waited until the last minute so that I couldn’t, in good conscience, say no. (We have a history. It’s a long story).

He assured me that yes; he had tried to find someone else to do it, because he knew I wouldn’t want to (again – history). He was right, of course. For one thing, I am bone lazy and did not fancy the idea of schlepping up and down three flights of stairs in 90 degree heat for the next three days. Just thinking about it makes me wilt like an unwatered petunia.  For another, I don’t like his cat.

Don’t get me wrong; though I’m definitely what I’d call a “dog person”, I love animals – even cats. Most cats. Okay, some cats. Not this cat. This cat is one of Satan’s minions.  Oh, he looks normal – very pretty, in fact. That’s his disguise. And his saving grace.

“Who me? I’m a fwiendly stwipey puudey.”

Meet Alec. Alec is a three year old rescue cat who lives the good life with his adoptive father in an apartment in Boston. His hobbies include scratching the furniture, chasing his own tail and sitting in the window watching the birds, fantasizing about all the ways he will maim and dismember them if only someone would remove the damn screen.

It would be fun to imagine him like the cats in The Secret Life of Pets, benignly having parties with all of his cat friends while his human is out of the house,

from Illumination’s The Secret Life of Pets

but Alec doesn’t have any friends. I’m convinced he was a “flushed pet”* that some kind-hearted soul found and took pity on. Eventually Damian Alec showed his true colors and he was exiled to the shelter, where he languished until the next victim my friend took him home.

Like most cats, he’s smart. He knows not to bite the hand that feeds him. All bets are off, however, when it comes to ankles, or other bits of exposed skin. Even hands are fair game if they aren’t directly engaged in the act of providing food.

This is me, all suited up to go see Devil Kitty

Lest you think I exaggerate,  let me tell you how this monster has, on more than one occasion, chased Stepdaddy G from the honeymoon suite because he was taking up too much room on the bed.  The image of a grown man sleeping on the couch while the cat settles into the warm spot he’s vacated is funny, but if Stepdaddy stays  put and dares leave a foot or hand exposed he can count on being roused from a sound sleep by the pain of Alec either having a midnight nosh or manicure on said flesh. This cat has tasted blood and there is no going back.

“You may go now, human”

“Why don’t they just close the door with the demon on the other side”, you ask? The cat howls like his claws are being ripped out with pliers when denied access to the inner sanctum (that used to be half his until the interloper came along), plus the air conditioner is in the living room window. My friends would swelter while the cat lolled on the rug in chilly comfort. (I also suspect that neither of them wants to end up like Fred Flintstone.)

There’s been talk of taking Alec back to the “pound” from whence he came, but it’s just talk. My tender-hearted friend would never do that. (Then he really would be a “flushed pet”.) This is certainly not the first time he’s taken one of these creatures into his home.  For all I know, his soul’s already been stolen and he serves Satan’s furry, four-legged army.  Call me crazy, but go ahead and Google “demonic cat lore” and see what you get – I’ll wait.

See? It could happen.

How else do you explain the diabolical thing I found waiting for me on day one:

Exhibit A

What kind of cat would make me a gift of fish mounted on poles? And how did he know I collect Pez?

Is there a Bad Kitty in your life or do you have one that’s still masquerading as an angelic little ball of fluff? (By the way, do not Google Bad Kitty. Most of what you’ll get has nothing to do with felines.)  Have a great week and thanks for reading!

*this is Ozone (voiced by Steve Coogan) and his gang terrorizing Max and Duke. I think Alec was hanging with Ozone during his formative years. By the way, if you have not yet seen this movie, do so with all due haste. Most fun I’ve had in a theater in a long time. (Completely unsolicited opinion)